In The Steering Wheel of Your Life, you learned that asking yourself a question is the best way to direct your mind. Of the many ways to talk to yourself, asking a question is the most powerful. Now we’re going to investigate some good questions. The question for this article is: "If I was happy about this, what would I be thinking about it?" Sometimes it is easier to ask this version: "If someone else, more capable, and wiser than me was happy about this, what would that person be thinking about it?"
Your car breaks down, it’s pouring rain, and you’re late for an important meeting. Of course this is miserable. One possible and perfectly understandable reaction you could have is to throw a fit of rage. To freak out. To cry, scream, curse the gods.
But when you’re done and you’ve made your phone calls and you’re waiting for the tow truck to arrive, you can explore your mind by imagining this same set of circumstances, but imagine that somehow you are happy about it. What would you have to be thinking to be happy about it?
Have I gone overboard here? Is this pie-in-the-sky positive thinking on steroids? How can anybody be happy in those circumstances? Why would anyone even want to be happy in those circumstances?
The why is easy: You’ll feel better and get more done. It would do you no good at all to feel miserable. What’s done is done. You do have those circumstances, no matter how you feel about them. And negative emotions are generally hard on you. Anytime you can remove unnecessary negative emotions from your life, you’ve benefited your health.
And you will respond to things better, you’ll be more creative at solving problems, and you’ll treat people you love with more care and respect if you feel better. The way you feel has real consequences.
So that takes care of the why. Let’s look at the how. How could a person feel happy under those circumstances? Broken-down car, rain, late for meeting. You can’t do it by forcing yourself, I can tell you that. You cannot force yourself to feel good. Why? Because forcing yourself doesn’t feel good.
But you could have a different perspective on your situation. You could look at it differently, and thereby feel differently. You could be only mildly upset about it, you could not be bothered at all about it, or you could actually feel happy — actually feel good about your circumstances. All it takes is a little creativity on your part.
Your answers to the question depend on you and your circumstances. If I was in that circumstance, for example (with the rain and late for an appointment, etc.) and if I was happy about it, these are some of the things I think I might be thinking: "I’m glad this happened to me and not my wife. I’m glad this happened when I was in the slow lane and could get off the road without causing an accident. It will be interesting to find out how the interviewer responds to my missing the meeting (sort of like a test of character), and it might make a good real-life illustration to use on the re-scheduled interview. I’m glad this happened because since I've been sitting here waiting for the tow truck I’ve had time to reflect on the fact that I was running late already, and perhaps my own greed needs to be curbed — I’m trying to stuff too much into my days and I’m past the point where it is fun. I need to slow the pace and make it more fun. I’m glad this event has given me time to reflect and readjust my priorities."
And so on. You get the idea. The more you think about it, the more there is to be happy about. It’s also true that the more you think about it, the more things you could think of to be miserable about, but the question is: Which do you choose? Because it really is your choice, and your choice will have consequences one way or the other.
Another alternative way to ask this question is: What would I like to feel about this? And then after you get the answer to that one, ask: What would I have to think about it in order to feel that way?
Another way to ask this is, “What can I think about right now that will improve my mood?” Then, of course, think about it.
I once had an appointment with the dentist for the following day, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. So I asked, “What do I want to feel?” Of course, my answer was, I wanted to be glad I was going to the dentist, or at least no longer feel dread.
My next question was, “What would I have to think that would make me feel good in these circumstances?”
One of my answers was, “I would have to think I was grateful that I live in a time and place that has dentists to take care of my teeth.” I thought about other places and times (most of history since the advent of agriculture) when people got painful cavities, lost their teeth, and suffered tremendous agony because they didn’t have dentists, because dentistry hadn’t been invented, or it was only for rich people or whatever, and here I was ungratefully wishing I didn’t have to go.
And the truth is, I didn’t have to go. It was my privilege to be able to go. I felt glad about going, and no longer dreaded it.
And I changed my attitude by beginning with the simple question, “What would I like to feel?” Okay, you have this bad feeling, but what would you like to feel? And then go on from there and ponder the question, “What could I think about the situation that would result in that feeling?”
Also note that I changed the way I looked at it and felt better without fooling myself or trying to believe something I didn’t really believe or trying to force myself to feel any particular way. I felt better honestly and genuinely by looking at the real situation with a broader perspective than I had been using.
Questions are powerful. They direct your mind. And this question is a great way to generate whole new trains of thought that will lead you to better feelings and better health.
In The Steering Wheel of Your Life, you learned that asking yourself a question is the best way to direct your mind. Of the many ways to talk to yourself, asking a question is the most powerful. Now we're going to investigate some good questions. The first one is, "What am I grateful for?" You can come up with different answers to this question every day, and if you did, you’d be happier, according to the research. One study on gratefulness asked the participants to merely write for five minutes a day in a diary — to write about what they were grateful for. It made them measurably happier, and their improved moods lasted for a considerable time afterward.
Five minutes a day? Why would such a small thing have such a strong impact?
When you ask what you’re grateful for, you are using the power of comparison. To feel grateful for your health you have to compare your state of health to a worse state of health.
Also, your mind has a negative bias. It tends to focus on what’s wrong. The question, "What am I grateful for?" bypasses the negative bias, or uses it to your advantage rather than using it against you.
Ask the question, find an answer, and ask it again. What else are you grateful for? I sometimes do it using a timer. I set the timer for five minutes and write a list of things I am grateful for, and I always feel significantly better. I was at first surprised how easy it was to fill a page with things I'm grateful for. I hardly have to try. I write nonstop, and have a pretty big list at the end of five minutes. This is so simple and so powerful I really urge you to try this one. It’s not work. It’s not a chore. It feels good.
Another variation that works pretty well is: What could I feel great about if I wanted to?
Another variation: What do I appreciate about (a particular person)? This is a good one to write down. When you’re done, give it to the person, or even go so far as to read it to them.
When you would like to direct your mind to something positive, when you would like to feel better, when you would like to be aware of what is great about your life, ask yourself, "What am I grateful for?" It works every time.
THE NUMBER OF different ways you can talk to yourself is huge, and some ways are better than others. One way to talk to yourself is to reassure yourself. For example, before a party you might feel a little nervous so you tell yourself, “It’s going to be fine. It’ll turn out okay.”
Another way is to give yourself advice or instruction. You could tell yourself at the party, “Focus on drawing people out and getting them to talk about themselves.”
Another possible way to talk to yourself is to put yourself down. “I look like hell. I’m a loser.”
Or you could ask yourself a question. On your way to the party, you could ask, “What can I do tonight to make it genuinely fun?”
Of all the possible ways to talk to yourself, asking yourself a question is the most powerful. Questions direct your mind and set trains of thought into motion. That’s what makes them so powerful.
Questions are generative. They generate thought. And because they are so powerful it really makes a difference to pay attention to the questions you ask yourself and make sure they are good questions.
Asking yourself a bad question before a party, for instance, can create excessive anxiety and a negative experience. For example, “What if I can’t think of anything to say? What if I embarrass myself?”
What-if questions like those create a chain of anxious thoughts and images and make you feel nervous. With thoughts like these running through your mind, you arrive at the party feeling uncomfortable and withdrawn. You can’t think of anything pleasant to say (because your own anxious thoughts are occupying your mind) and you embarrass yourself with your own awkwardness — not because there is something wrong with you, but merely because you’re not paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself, and you’re not asking yourself high-quality questions.
What makes a high-quality question? What makes a question a good question? The answer is simple. A good question has a good result. It focuses your attention on something that makes you effective. It directs your mind to something that helps you successfully handle the situation. A question is good if it leads to a good result.
Bad question: What if they don’t like me?
Good question: What is something I could do right now that would make me more likable?
Bad question: What if I fail to accomplish my goal?
Good question: What’s the most important thing I could do to make sure I accomplish my goal?
A high-quality question is one that produces an end-result you desire. To come up with a good question, ask yourself, “What result do I want?”
And when you decide on a result, ask yourself, “What question can I ponder that would help me achieve that result?” Don’t settle for the first thing that pops into your head! Think about it. Make a list on paper. Force yourself to come up with ten good possible questions. Then choose the best question — the one you think will produce the best result — and practice asking yourself that question. Literally practice. Ask the question many times. Get used to asking it. Make it familiar and comfortable and automatic.
There are certain times when it would help to ask yourself that particular question. Practice asking your question at those times.
For example, when Katie is preparing for an interview, she doesn’t want her mind to be occupied by the questions that naturally come to her: “What if they don’t want me?” and “What if I make a fool of myself in the interview?” She is fully aware that those questions don’t put her in the best frame of mind to have a successful interview.
She decides a good question to ponder is, “How can I help these people?” That will put her in just the right attitude for an interview. That’s a question that will produce a good result.
So while she is getting dressed for the interview, she asks herself that question. She ponders it. When her mind wanders, she comes back to her chosen question. And in the car, on the way to the interview, she thinks about it some more, trying to think of ways she can help her future employers.
Whenever her mind drifts to her worries, she asks herself, “But how can I help these people?” And even walking into the interview, she is wondering how she can help them.
What do you think would be the difference between Katie sitting down for an interview wondering, “What if they don’t want me?” versus sitting down wondering, “How can I help these people?” What kind of difference would she have in attitude? In her demeanor? In her level of stress hormones? In her focus — outward versus inward? I think you can see it would be a large and visibly obvious difference. The second question would make her more effective in the interview. The second question is more likely to lead to a good result.
Questions drive you to produce answers, and often that drive, that power, can be used to do a tremendous amount of good.
It is especially useful to replace bad questions you are already asking with good questions. For example, a typical question people ask when bad stuff happens is, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” It is a question that doesn’t lead to a good result, yet there are plenty of questions you could ask in those circumstance that would benefit you.
The quality of the questions you ask makes a tremendous difference. Ask yourself over and over, “What’s wrong with me?” and your mind will search for answers, finding one after another. Because our brains are driven to answer questions, if you ask this question, you will come up with answers. Do the answers help you?
Compare that question with this one: “How can I prevent this from ever happening again?” Someone who ponders this question will get much more productive answers and won’t create anywhere near the negative feeling as the other question.
The principle is simple: Ask yourself a good question. Think about the questions you ask, and come up with good ones. And when you ask a good question, keep asking it. Any answer you get is only one possible answer. Keep asking and you’ll keep getting new answers. The more answers you have to a good question, the better. And if it is a good question, it is a good thought to practice. Make that good question familiar and comfortable and come to mind easily and often.
If you are only going to use one tool, I recommend you stick with asking a good question. If you do use only this one method, it will singlehandedly help you feel better and get more done.
One of the benefits of asking questions is there is no force in it. You are not trying, you're not making yourself "be positive," you are merely pondering a question honestly. And it has a real impact.
What questions have you found to have that kind of impact? Make your hard-earned wisdom available to others in the comments on this page.
Here is a list of questions I have found useful: The Top 25 Questions To Ask Yourself.
In The Steering Wheel of Your Life, you learned that asking yourself a question is the best way to direct your mind. Of the many ways to talk to yourself, asking a question is the most powerful. Now we’re going to investigate some good questions. The question for this article is: "If I was happy about this, what would I be thinking about it?" Sometimes it is easier to ask this version: "If someone else, more capable, and wiser than me was happy about this, what would that person be thinking about it?"
